Year-end is often the time for a reckoning when we look back and ponder upon our losses and gains. We think about what we could have done better to prevent those losses and heartbreaks – What if I had done that? What if I hadn’t said that? ‘If’ hangs heavy in the air as we question decisions taken and choices made. There are certain things or events that we know are beyond us, some we hope that we could have prevented.
The year 2022 is not a year that I will forget in a hurry. The year has been tough, the year has been harsh. I learned what it means to lose a parent and I realized how irreparable that loss is. Coming face to face with my father’s death changed my perspective on life. While he was in the hospital taking difficult decisions and being hit by so many ‘ifs’. I had hoped I could do something different that would bring him back to health. Ultimately I had to make peace with the fact that one can only do so much and leave the rest to the universe. I needed to stay calm and accept what comes and take care of what he has left behind.
Amongst all the gloom, a lost love came back and brought cheer, till it was lost again. I kept wondering why he had come back if he had to leave so soon. Why was I dumped so badly with no warning whatsoever? I kept replaying our last encounter in my head for days to figure out what went wrong, what if I had said that, or what if I had said nothing or asked for anything at all? Till I realized that my love had blinded me to the telltale signs and the behavioral patterns. Maybe, if I weren’t blind enough I wouldn’t have to go through this at all.
What if I was wiser? What if I had listened to all the good counsel? But life took me to it and through it. Looking back I realize I needed to experience the heartbreaks and the embarrassment to understand what’s important to me. And that is me and all the people who love me and stand by me, no matter what!
Therefore, I decided to carry forward the memories of my father and all the good things I have had in life so far (and there are so many), shake off all the people and the gloomy thoughts that make me doubt myself and move on. 2022 took me on a solo trip that opened up so many possibilities and acquainted me with new sides of my personality that I hadn’t encountered before. The year taught me to be happy, no matter what!
As year-end draws nigh, I don’t expect any wonders from the new year. So 2023, chill, no pressure on you at all. I just want to push the ‘ifs’ and ‘buts’ aside and keep the wonder in me alive so that I can live every day as if it’s new!